


My Tears Ricochet

by Intricate6



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29698536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Intricate6/pseuds/Intricate6
Summary: When Jungwoo comes back to the dorm one night crying about his crush on Mark, Jaehyun doesn't think much of it. But the next morning when Jungwoo coughs up a delicate blue petal into his hand, they both realize that Jungwoo has more than just a simple crush
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Jungwoo, Kim Jungwoo/Mark Lee (NCT)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this has an open ending, but is tagged mcd just to be safe

Jungwoo burst in their shared room and immediately flopped face-first onto his bed. Jaehyun looked up from where he was lounging on his bed, playing a game on his phone. “You good, dude?”

Jungwoo just shook his head in response. 

Even from across the room, Jaehyun could see the shake of Jungwoo’s shoulders and hear the sound of his sniffles muffled by his pillow. Jaehyun set down his phone and made his way over to Jungwoo’s bed, perching on the edge of it so he could reach over to rub Jungwoo’s back soothingly. 

“What happened? I thought you were out playing basketball with Mark.”

“I was,” Jungwoo sobbed into his pillow.

“Are you hurt?”

“Not physically.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun paused. Jungwoo didn't talk much about his emotions. In fact, when Jungwoo first joined NCT 127 Jaehyun hadn’t even known that Jungwoo was having trouble with nerves until Yuta had announced to everyone that he saw Jungwoo taking a pill before a performance.

“Do you want me to get Taeyong?” The leader was much better at emotional stuff than Jaehyun was, he would definitely know how to handle the situation. 

“No, don’t get Taeyong.”

Jaehyun paused, already starting to stand up. No Taeyong? What was the next step? Jaehyun ran through a mental list of everyone in NCT who was good at emotions. “How about Taeil?”

Jungwoo shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Jaehyun sighed and sat back down on Jungwoo’s bed. Apparently he alone would be handling this. 

“I’m not going to leave until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s literally also your room.”

Jaehyun lowered himself next to Jungwoo, making it clear that he wasn’t moving from the bed until Jungwoo told him what was going on. 

The next few minutes were quiet, only filled with the soft sound of Jungwoo’s sobs. Jungwoo was stubborn, but so was Jaehyun. Finally, Jungwoo rolled over to look at Jaehyun, his eyes red and puffy. 

“I have a crush on Mark,” Jungwoo said, his voice breaking.

Oh. That would do it. 

Jaehyun sat up halfway so that he could draw Jungwoo into his arms. “You really picked the straightest person in NCT to have a crush on, huh?”

Jungwoo buried his face in Jaehyun’s shoulder and let out a broken sob. “Of course I have to fall for the straight one. Why not Yuta? Or Ten?”

“Because the heart doesn’t listen to reason. Plus, could you really imagine dating Ten?”

“I mean no, but at least he wouldn’t start talking about girls when I was flirting with him.”

Jaehyun winced in sympathy. “I’m sorry dude.”

“Nothing you can do about it,” Jungwoo muttered into Jaehyun’s shoulder. “But now I have to wake up before Mark comes to wake me up tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll set my alarm,” Jaehyun promised, stroking Jungwoo’s hair. 

Jaehyun felt Jungwoo go boneless in his arms, finally relaxing. “Thank you for being a great friend. I know I can always count on you,” Jungwoo spoke into Jaehyun’s shoulder where he had buried his head.

“Anytime,” Jaehyun answered. Jungwoo’s hair was soft against his fingers and his breath warm and steady against Jaehyun’s shoulder. As Jaehyun’s eyes started to drift closed, he remembered the time that Jungwoo had joked that they slept in the same bed. Maybe Jungwoo had been onto something with that statement.

The next morning Jaehyun woke up to the sound of Jungwoo coughing. 

The morning light barely illuminated the room, only revealing Jungwoo’s shadowy shape, shaking with the force that the coughs were wracking his body.

“Jungwoo!” Jaehyun pushed the comforter off of his legs and knelt next to Jungwoo on the bed, his hands moving around in panic, not knowing what he needed to do. 

“Are you okay? Should I go get someone?”

Jungwoo didn’t respond and instead doubled over with the force of his coughs, his face inches from his lap.

“Fuck, Jungwoo, this is bad. I don’t want to leave you alone, so I’m going to call the manager.”

Jaehyun started to run his hands along the bed, searching for his phone, but a cold hand stopped his search. Jaehyun looked up to see Jungwoo shake his head. 

“Jungwoo, you need help.”

Jungwoo shook his head once more, before a hand flew to his mouth and his coughs sounded like they were grinding their way out of his throat. 

Suddenly, the coughing stopped and the sound of Jungwoo gasping for air filled the room. Jungwoo slowly peeled his hand away from his mouth and stared at the object in his palm in shock. Jaehyun leaned over to look, recognizing the shape of a flower petal despite the shadows that coated the room. 

Jaehyun’s blood ran cold at the sight of the petal in Jungwoo’s hand. It looked small and unassuming, but Jaehyun knew what it signified. 

“You-you never told me that you were in  _ love _ with Mark.”

Jungwoo slumped back against Jaehyun as if the strings holding him up had been cut. “I’m an idiot in love,” he wheezed out. “A dying idiot in love.” 

“You’re not going to die.” Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Jungwoo. “I won’t allow it. We-we’ll figure something out. I’m not going to allow my best friend to wither away and die right in front of me.”

Jungwoo laughed bitterly, “You know there’s no cure for Hanahaki Disease other than reciprocated love and that’s not going to happen.” 

Jungwoo’s voice sounded like it grated against his throat, coming out in raspy gasps. Jaehyun hoped that the gravellyness of Jungwoo’s voice wasn’t there to stay.

“We have to do something. Maybe if you just tell Mark--”

“No, we’re not telling anyone.”

“But--”

“I’ve already been on hiatus once and I never want to repeat that. I would rather die doing what I love than lying in some weary hospital bed, wasting away to nothing. There’s so many things I still want to do and I’m not going to let a stupid crush ruin everything.”

Jaehyun knew that if he was in Jungwoo’s situation, he would feel the same. With a sigh Jaehyun drew Jungwoo closer to his chest, holding onto his roommate for dear life. Jungwoo was dying and Jaehyun was just going to sit by and watch it happen.

\----------------------------------

During practice, Jaehyun kept one eye on Jungwoo. It was no easy feat with 23 members all practicing together, but Jaehyun was determined. He had to make sure that Jungwoo was going to be okay dancing, was able to breathe. 

And Jungwoo seemed to be doing fine, was socializing with everyone, was laughing, pretending that nothing was wrong. It made Jaehyun relax slightly. Jungwoo wasn’t going to drop dead right then and there, they had time to figure something out. 

Jaehyun felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and he turned around to see Sicheng clinging to him. 

“You seem distracted. You’re not talking to people as much as normal. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun sighed, sparing one last glance towards Jungwoo who was happily chatting with Sungchan before turning to face Sicheng. “I haven’t been able to promote with you in so long, how is everything going?”

“It’s going well. I miss you guys, but being in WAYV is a ton of fun too.”

Jaehyun wrapped his arms around Sicheng and lifted him up. “I’m glad you’re happy. I still missed you, though.”

Sicheng laughed as Jaehyun continued to carry him around the practice room. “I missed you too.” 

All too soon the choreographer was calling them back into formation and Jaehyun had to split from Sicheng to finish learning the choreo. 

As soon as Jaehyun was in place, he sought out Jungwoo who had clearly just finished joking around with someone, a smile still plastered on his face as he got ready to dance. 

Throughout the rest of practice Jungwoo seemed to be doing fine. Not once did he falter in his dance, nor did he seem excessively exhausted during their breaks. As far as Jaehyun could tell, Jungwoo was acting like his normal self other than the fact that he may be keeping more distance between himself and Mark than usual. It was almost enough to make Jaehyun wonder if he’d made up Jungwoo coughing up the petal that morning. 

However, once they were dismissed, Jungwoo thanked the choreographer before almost sprinting out of the room, saying that he had to go to the bathroom. Jaehyun grabbed both of their bags and hurried after his roommate. 

When Jaehyun entered the bathroom, he saw Jungwoo hunched over the sink, his hands gripping the counter tightly as he coughed. 

Jaehyun dropped both of the bags and hurried to Jungwoo’s side, wrapping one arm around Jungwoo to help support his weight. Jungwoo let himself collapse sideways into Jaehyun’s side and continued to cough and wheeze, his whole body shaking. 

When the attack passed, Jungwoo was as pale as a sheet and his lips were tinged red.

“No petals this time?” Jaehyun asked, lowering both of them to the ground as Jungwoo leaned all of his weight against Jaehyun. 

“There’s not petals every time,” Jungwoo rasped.

Jaehyun reached up to push Jungwoo’s sweaty hair out of his face, ignoring that Jungwoo had basically just admitted that this morning wasn’t the first time he’d coughed up the petals. Jaehyun couldn’t help but wonder how long Jungwoo had been sick for before he found out. 

“Don’t worry Jaehyun, I’ll be okay.”

Jaehyun doubted that, but didn’t say anything. There was little that could be done at this point and him yelling at Jungwoo wouldn’t help anything. 

“We’re recording the music video in a couple of days, will you be able to make it through that? And what about the online concert? And the music shows? And--”

“Jaehyun, it’ll be okay. I’ll just take it one day at a time, as long as I stay away from Mark the disease shouldn’t progress too quickly.”

“He literally wakes you up everyday.”

“I’ll figure something out.”

\----------------------------------------

Jungwoo ‘figuring something out’ apparently consisted of him doing everything in his power to make sure his schedule didn’t line up with Mark’s. In the couple of days leading up to the Resonance music video filming, Jaehyun had never seen Jungwoo hang out with so many people who weren’t Mark. 

Jungwoo even slept in the 5th floor dorm the night before the filming and ate breakfast with Doyoung. 

It seemed to be working though, Jaehyun didn’t hear Jungwoo coughing as much; however, he wasn’t sure if that meant that Jungwoo was coughing less in general or if he was just good at hiding it. Jaehyun was betting on the latter. 

Like during practices, Jaehyun kept an eye on Jungwoo during the music video filming. Jungwoo seemed to be acting like usual and Mark was hanging out with the Dreamies more than anyone else. 

Jaehyun thought that the music video filming was going well until he looked around and realized that he didn’t see Jungwoo. Jaehyun’s heart dropped.

“Hey Sungchan, have you seen Jungwoo?”

Sungchan looked up at Jaehyun and then shrugged, “I think he went to get more water? He’s been drinking a lot today.”

“Thanks,” Jaehyun said, walking quickly towards where the bathrooms and water fountains were, weaving through the crowd of members, cameramen, and stylists. 

When Jaehyun finally reached the bathrooms, he found Jungwoo sitting on the floor of one of the stalls, his breathing ragged. Jaehyun knelt down next to him and patted his back soothingly. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Jungwoo choked out. “I’d just gone too long without coughing and I paid the price.” 

It was then that Jaehyun noticed the red coating Jungwoo’s hands and lips. “Was it bad?”

Jungwoo shook his head, “No worse than some of the other times. My throat just hurts a bit right now.” Jungwoo coughed weakly, pain flashing across his face at the action. “I’ll be okay though.”

Jaehyun wanted nothing more than to wrap Jungwoo up in a blanket and tell him that he was done for the day, but they still had several more hours of filming ahead of them and Jungwoo still refused to tell anyone else what was happening. 

With a sigh Jaehyun stood up and offered Jungwoo his hand. “You should get cleaned up. Do you want me to refill your water bottle for you?”

Jungwoo nodded and handed Jaehyun his water bottle before heading over to the sink. Jaehyun wondered how much longer Jungwoo could last like this. 

The next morning, Jaehyun didn’t have the heart to wake up Jungwoo, so he quietly tiptoed out of the room to go eat breakfast. An hour later, Jungwoo and Mark emerged, Jungwoo still half asleep and Mark chatting excitedly.

Jaehyun winced internally at the sight. Despite his sleepiness, Jungwoo was looking at Mark as if he held the world in his hands. Jaehyun’s hope that Jungwoo would fall out of love with Mark and the Hanahaki disease would fade was smashed to pieces. 

“Yo dude, I seriously thought that you had been avoiding me this past week or something. I haven’t seen you like at all.”

Jungwoo rested his head against Mark’s shoulder. “I’d never avoid you, our schedules just didn’t match up.”

“Good, because you know you’re like one of my best friends, right?”

“Of course. You’re one of my best friends too.”

Jaehyun stood up to wash his dishes. He couldn’t sit here and listen to Jungwoo destroy himself. 

That night Jaehyun sat next to Jungwoo as he coughed up three blue petals in the bathroom of their dorm. 


	2. Chapter 2

The next couple of weeks passed quickly. It was award season and NCT spent most of their time in the practice room as the weather continued to grow colder. 

Jungwoo was slowly getting worse, but he kept it well hidden. Jaehyun only caught him coughing up petals a couple of times and that was only because they were roommates.

Jaehyun started to wake up Jungwoo every morning so that the other could be up before Mark even made it to their shared room. Jungwoo even slept over at the 5th floor, WAYV, or Dreamie dorm to avoid Mark. 

Jungwoo’s efforts made it so the Hanahaki disease progressed slowly, but Jaehyun could see that it was taking a toll on Jungwoo to ruin their friendship. Mark would look crestfallen everytime he looked for Jungwoo and he wasn’t there and Jaehyun caught Jungwoo looking longingly at Mark several times before sighing and walking away.

One night when they were laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, Jungwoo confided in Jaehyun: “It hurts me to ignore him, to watch our once flourishing friendship crumble into pieces, but I have to make it through award season. We’ll get a short break and I’ll be able to see my family and after that I’ll hang out with Mark as much as I want. I only need to stay strong for a couple more weeks.”

And that’s what Jungwoo did. He clung to everyone who wasn’t Mark, formed his schedule so that it was as opposite to Mark’s as possible. Jungwoo’s coughing didn't get better, but it didn’t get much worse either. 

Soon MAMA came and Jaehyun was ready to kill someone. All the performances were pre-recorded, but the awards were not. Which meant that all the idols had to wait outside in the bitter December air as they waited for their name to be called for the awards. 

Despite the fact that they were all wearing parkas over their suits and sitting in their vans, the air was still cold and crisp, enough so that Jaehyun could hear Jungwoo struggle to breathe as he sat next to Jaehyun in the corner of the van. 

It physically pained Jaehyun to hear Jungwoo wheeze and gasp for air beside him, drinking bottle upon bottle of water in an attempt to wet his throat and keep from dissolving into a coughing fit. 

Jungwoo reached over and grabbed Jaehyun’s hand in a death grip, squeezing so hard that Jaehyun felt as if his bones were about to crack. 

Jaehyun glanced over to see Jungwoo doubled over in his seat, his breathing sounding wet and as if every intake of air was rattling in his lungs.

Jaehyun leaned over to whisper in Jungwoo’s ear. “Just cough it out, you’ll feel better afterwards.”

“But-” Jungwoo let out a weak cough that he was clearly suppressing, “They’ll hear if I cough,” he barely managed to gasp out before all of his effort went back into breathing and trying to suppress his coughs. 

“If anyone looks back now they’ll be just as worried as you coughing. I don’t even know how they haven’t noticed yet with how much you’re wheezing,” Jaehyun spoke lowly so the other didn’t hear. “Do you think you can make it out of the van without looking like you’re dying?”

Jungwoo shrugged and Jaehyun sighed. This was going to be interesting.

Jaehyun shifted forward so that he could tap on Taeil’s shoulder. “Jungwoo and I are going to get some fresh air really quick.”

Taeil nodded and shifted his legs so that Jungwoo and Jaehyun could get out.

“Don’t go far,” the manager said, looking over his shoulder, “one of the awards you’re nominated for is soon.”

Jaehyun nodded his understanding before dragging Jungwoo out of the van as fast as possible before someone realized that he was struggling to breathe. At least the dimness and shadows of the van lighting hid the fact that Jungwoo was as white as a ghost and looked physically ill. 

They managed to make it 50 meters away from the van and into a semi dark corner before Jugwoo bent over and started to cough, holding a tissue to his mouth as he did so. 

Jungwoo’s coughs sounded worse than Jaehyun had ever heard them, a horrible wet rasping sound making it out of Jungwoo’s chest. Jungwoo collapsed to his knees with the force of the coughing and Jaehyun wasn’t sure that Jungwoo could even inhale between coughing attacks. 

Jaehyun knelt down next to Jungwoo and rubbed his back, not knowing what he could do to help. 

Finally, the coughing began to slow, but Jaehyun wasn’t sure if that was because Jungwoo had gotten all of the loose petals out or if he had just lost the strength to cough any more. 

Jungwoo looked up and gave Jaehyun a weak smile, but even in the dim lighting, Jaehyun could see the way that Jungwoo’s lips were stained with red. Jaehyun wanted to have a word with the MAMA producers that made them wait outside at night in December. 

“You good?” Jaehyun asked, offering Jungwoo a hand up.

Jungwoo accepted Jaehyun’s hand. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Jaehyun noted that Jungwoo’s breathing was sounding better as they walked together to a trash can to throw away the bloodied tissue full of flower petals. Jungwoo pulled another tissue out of his pocket to wipe off his mouth and hands.

“Good?” he asked, looking at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun’s eyes rested on Jungwoo’s plump lips and he swallowed hard. “Uh, yeah, you’re good as far as I can tell.”

“Thanks,” Jungwoo’s voice was slightly hoarse.

Before Jaehyun could respond, the manager was calling them over, saying that they had to get ready to go on stage. Jungwoo shot Jaehyun one last smile before hurrying to the van to shed his parka and get ready to go on stage to accept their award, Jaehyun trailing after him. 

The rest of the night went decently well. Jungwoo let out a few coughs periodically, earning himself a worried look from Taeyong, but Jungwoo just blamed it on the cold and their leader seemed to relax. Even Jaehyun was starting to feel a tickle in his throat from the crisp air.

They took home several awards and ended the night with a run to McDonald’s. Honestly, the McDonald’s was the highlight. Jaehyun was pretty sure at least half of the members were mad at MAMA for making them wait outside and he knew that the managers were worried about one of them getting sick.

When they arrived back at the dorms, their manager told them all to take vitamin C and get a good night’s rest. Jaehyun did just that, but when he woke up the next morning it was with a tickle in his throat and a weak cough. 

He didn’t think it was anything serious, just a small cold from being outside all last night. He’d be fine tomorrow. 

But the next day and the day after that, Jaehyun’s cough only worsened. His chest started to ache while dancing and his breathing came harder than usual. 

They were in the middle of dance practice when Jaehyun felt the tell-tale tickle in his throat. He hadn’t told anyone that he was getting sick because everyone was worried enough with preparing for awards and filming content. Jaehyun didn’t need to add to the stress lines in their managers’ faces. 

Dance practice was harder than usual, especially when Jaehyun’s chest started to ache halfway through. His breaths felt like they were grating in his chest and he could barely focus on getting the moves right, relying almost completely on muscle memory. Jaehyun’s previous goal of always keeping an eye on Jungwoo had completely failed at this point, he couldn’t even keep up with the moves himself, let alone watch Jungwoo as well.

Finally, a break was called for and Jaehyun barely made it over to the wall before collapsing, downing half a water bottle in one gulp. He was sweating harder than ever, beads of it rolling down his face, stinging his eyes.

Johnny sat down next to Jaehyun who was still gasping for air.

“You good bro?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine in a couple of minutes,” Jaehyun lied.

“Sure,” Johnny clearly wasn’t buying it. “Are you getting sick or something? You don’t sound great.”

“Uh, it’s probably just a little cold.”

Johnny reached over to feel Jaehyun’s forehead. “I don’t think you have a fever, so that's good at least.”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay tomorrow.”

Johnny made a face as if he didn’t agree with Jaehyun, but before he could say anything, they were being called back together. 

“Does anyone know where Jungwoo is?” Taeyong asked.

Jaehyun looked around and realized that Jungwoo was indeed missing from the formation. He was really doing a bang up job of keeping an eye on him. 

“He went to the bathroom,” Mark said. 

“Okay, we’ll just start without him for now.” 

Jungwoo returned after they did a full run through of the song, his face unnaturally pale. “Sorry,” he muttered with a sheepish smile as he hurried towards his spot. 

Jaehyun noticed the way both Yuta and Doyoung shifted closer to Jungwoo and Taeyong furrowed his brow in worry. Apparently Jaehyun wasn’t the only one who had noticed that Jungwoo looked worse for the wear. 

But just then the music started up and Jaehyun had to focus on the dance so that he didn’t mess something up. As the dance went on, Jaeyun could feel his chest start to hurt even more and the small tickle in his throat grew and grew until Jaehyun ws forced to let out a weak cough.

After several tortuous minutes, the dance finally came to an end. The minute the music shut off, Jaehyun bent over onto his hands and knees and gasped for air. Jungwoo didn’t look much better.

“We’re done for today,” Doyoung suddenly announced. “Taeyong’s back is starting to hurt, Jungwoo looks like he’s about to pass out, and Jaehyun can’t breathe. At this point dancing is doing more harm than good.”

“I’m fine,” Jungwoo and Taeyong said at the same time. Jaehyun would agree if he could catch his breath enough to talk.

“Taeyong, I could see you wincing that entire dance. You need a break before you get seriously injured. Jungwoo, you look like a stiff wind could blow you over and don’t think I didn’t see you stumble when you got up after the floor work. We’re done for today, and you three are going back to the dorm with Yuta and I.”

Jungwoo looked like he was going to protest, but Yuta wrapped him into a hug. “Please come home and play FIFA with me?”

Jungwoo’s eyes lit up. “Jaehyun too?”

“Yeah, I’ll play with you.” Jaehyun winced at how raw his voice sounded. Johnny wordlessly handed him a water bottle.

“I’m glad it’s settled then,” Doyoung said, grabbing Taeyong hand to practically drag him out of the practice room, Johnny grabbing their bags for them. Jaehyun trailed behind Jungwoo and Yuta who had their arms slung around each other and were laughing about something.

How fast Jungwoo could change his emotions, put up his mask, made Jaehyun’s heart ache. Jungwoo was so good at hiding his pain, how he really felt. Jaehyun was almost positive that he wouldn’t know that Jungwoo had Hanahaki Disease if Jungwoo hadn’t been caught off guard that one morning. 

Jaehyun wondered how long Jungwoo could continue to hide it for, the members had noticed that something was wrong today, but ever since MAMA Jungwoo’s coughing had been getting worse. He probably didn’t have that much time left, a matter of weeks before Jungwoo’s lungs were so clogged with flowers that he couldn’t breathe.

It made Jaehyun realize that he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Jungwoo before he was gone.

\--------------------------------------------

Playing games with Jungwoo and Yuta had been fun. It didn’t hurt that they got to watch Doyoung force Taeyong to lay down in the living room so that he could be sure that Taeyong was getting the rest he needed. With how much Taeyong complained, you’d think Doyoung was forcing him to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters or something. 

Everything was going really well until that night when Jaehyun was in the bathroom washing his face before bed. 

Jaehyun started to cough and suddenly couldn’t stop, he tried to take deep breaths to calm down his spamming lungs, but it was to no avail. Jaehyun’s chest ached with the force of his coughs and he doubled over, trying to relieve the pressure he felt. But it just built and built and built. 

Just when Jaehyun felt as if he was going to keel over from lack of oxygen, a slimy object made it out of his throat and into his hand. His coughing tapered off. Jaehyun looked down to see a single pink petal resting in his hand. 


	3. Chapter 3

Jaehyun didn’t know how Jungwoo did this, how he kept on such a brave, smiling face while feeling as if his lungs were dying with every inhale. How Jungwoo could still sing so well when Jaehyun felt as if he could barely breathe. Every morning Jaehyun struggled to get out of bed, knowing that the day was just going to bring more pain, more coughing, more petals. Because Jaehyun had managed to fall in love with Jungwoo. 

How ironic. He fell in love with a dying man and now he too was dying. Unrequited love was a bitch. Not only did his heart ache for Jungwoo, but his lungs too. 

So far the petals were smaller than Jungwoo’s and Jaehyun only coughed them up every other day, but he knew that things were only going to get worse--especially because he was roommates with Jungwoo. 

Even though Jaehyun knew that it would only make things worse, he couldn’t bring himself to stay away from Jungwoo. Jungwoo was like a shining sun, all smiles and laughter and jokes. He was so cute, so happy, even when he was bet over the toilet coughing up petals, he still found a way to smile afterwards. 

Jaehyun admired him and wished that he could be that brave. 

Every coughing fit left Jaehyun exhausted, tears leaking from his eyes. He didn’t want to die, but he didn’t want to give up Jungwoo either. 

So Jaehyun did his best to carry on like nothing was wrong. At night when Jungwoo started coughing, he held his roommate close, ignoring the tickle in his own throat. 

When the attack stopped, Jungwoo didn’t pull away immediately and instead stayed in Jaehyun’s arms. Jaehyun leaned over to check on his roommate and saw that Jungwoo was crying, silent tears tracking down his face.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun asked.

“It hurts. It hurts so bad. My chest hurts, my heart hurts, everything hurts.” Jungwoo inhaled shakily. “Some days I wake up and it hurts so bad that I think that it’ll be my last. At least we have a couple days off next week so I can see my family, but I don’t even know if I can make it to our online concert. I’m dying Jaehyun, and every day I’m made more aware of that fact.”

Jaehyun pulled Jungwoo even closer to his chest, his heart aching for his best friend, the person that he loved. 

“When I die, please don't tell Mark that it was him. He’ll blame himself and I don’t want that. In fact, don’t even tell everyone else that you knew, pretend that I kept it a secret from everyone. I don’t want anyone misplacing their anger onto you.”

“Jungwoo.” Tears were starting to stream down Jaehyun’s face. Even in the face of death, Jungwoo was thinking about everyone except himself. 

“It’s okay Jaehyun. This is my choice. And I’m not dying right this instant, if I can stay away from Mark I’ll last another week or two.”

Jaehyun choked on a sob. A week or two was nothing. Jungwoo should have decades left in his life, not a matter of weeks. It was so unfair. Why did unrequited love have to be such a bitch? Why was it going to take his best friend away from this plane of existence? And why did it hurt Jaehyun so much? Make his chest ache in sympathy? Jaehyun was dying too, but his only concern was for Jungwoo. 

A couple of minutes later, Jungwoo pulled away from JAehyun’s arms and wiped the tears from his face. “I told Johnny and Donghyuck I’d play games with them tonight,” he said before exiting the room, leaving Jaehyun sitting on the floor with an aching heart.

That night Jaehyun coughed up three flower petals alone in his room.

\-------------------------------------------

Every breath that Jaehyun took hurt. Every inhale was like sandpaper in his lungs. All Jaehyun seemed to know was pain. How no one in the group noticed was beyond him. No one except for him seemed to see the way he would pant after every dance practice, wince after every cough, drink copious amounts of water to calm his coughing. The last thing Jaehyun needed was to have an attack in front of someone else. 

Jungwoo wasn’t doing much better, but he hid it well. Jaehyun only knew that Jungwoo was in pain because he knew what to look for: the slight wince after singing, the way he would absentmindedly rub his chest. 

Jungwoo had stopped sleeping in other people’s rooms at night because oftentimes he would be woken up by a coughing attack. He could barely even go several hours without coughing up a petal.

Jaehyun was starting to get worried, but there was nothing he could do. Not to mention the fact that Jaehyun’s own Hanahaki was progressing much faster than Jungwoo’s had. It was becoming more and more of a struggle to keep the coughing a secret from his roommate. Jaehyun’s only saving grace was that Jungwoo was oftentimes too tired to pay attention to his surroundings. Yuta said that last night he had watched Jungwoo almost put his hand into boiling water to get his ramen. Needless to say, Jungwoo had been banned from the kitchen. 

At least they got their break in two days, both Jungwoo and Jaehyun could hold on until then. Hopefully the time apart would be enough to get them through the online concert. 

The day before their break, Jungwoo almost passed out during dance practice. 

The morning started out to a rocky start with Jungwoo coughing up more petals than Jaehyun had ever seen. It took him three minutes of laying on the ground before he could even sit up and ten more minutes before he caught his breath. 

Jaehyun’s heart felt like it was cleaving in half at the sight of Jungwoo lying on the floor, clutching his chest and gasping for air. Jungwoo’s eyes were glazed over and tears were pooling in his eyes as he desperately tried to get air into his lungs.

Jaehyun was about ready to get a manager or someone to help before Jungwoo finally sat up. 

“I’m okay,” he panted out, still clutching his chest.

“You’re not okay,” Jaehyun replied. “I really thought that was going to be it Jungwoo. I thought that you would never be able to get air into your lungs, that they were too full of flowers for you to breathe and I was watching you suffocate right in front of me.”

“Well I’m alive,” Jungwoo said, giving Jaehyun a weak smile.

Jaehyun just sighed in response. “I’ll bring you breakfast, you look awful right now.” 

It was true, Jungwoo’s face pale and sweaty, his chest still heaving from his coughing attack. If Jungwoo left their room looking like this, he would immediately be sent back to rest, if not taken to the doctor’s to make sure he wasn’t seriously sick. 

Luckily, after eating breakfast, the color returned to Jungwoo’s face and he was looking and breathing a lot better.

“I guess eating dinner with Mark last night was a little too much,” Jungwoo joked.

“You’re an idiot,” Jaehyun replied.

“Aw, but you still love me.” 

Jaehyun winced slightly at Jungwoo’s words, but the other didn’t seem to notice. That sentence hit a little too close to home. If only Jungwoo knew the extent to which Jaehyun loved him, knew that there were flowers growing in Jaehyun’s lungs because of how much he loved Jungwoo.

Jaehyun wasn’t about to tell Jungwoo that, though. Jungwoo was already struggling enough, he didn’t need the knowledge that Jaehyun was suffering because of his unrequited love on top of that. 

Jaehyun was going to try to keep this secret until the very end. It didn’t matter that he coughed two petals into the toilet bowl this morning before Jungwoo woke up or that his chest never stopped its perpetual ache. He could power through this. He’d be okay. All that mattered was that Jaehyun was there for Jungwoo, it didn’t matter if his own health fell to the side as long as he got to see Jungwoo’s signature smile, got to hear his laugh.

Soon after they finished breakfast, NCT was piling into the vans to head to the company for one final dance practice before their two days off.

The practice was hard, Jaehyun was gasping for air after only two songs and he was sure that Jungwoo wasn’t much better. 

Their practice continued with only minimal breaks and halfway through Jaehyun was too tired to do anything else but focus on the music and the motions he had to force his exhausted body through. 

Jaehyun blames everyone’s exhaustion for why no one noticed until it was too late. They’d had several late nights with the awards shows that they’d been going to and everyone was focused on the break ahead. They were all too tired to notice the obvious. 

The song ended and the sound of everyone gasping for breath filled the air. 

And then Jungwoo’s knees crumpled and he hit the floor with a soft thump, sitting there looking dazed, his eyes unfocused and face glazed with sweat. 

Yuta and Johnny were by his side in an instant, helping Jungwoo to lay down and propping up his legs.

“It’s okay Jungwoo, just breathe. Deep breath in, and out, in, and out. That’s it, you got this, you’ll be okay,” Jaehyun heard Johnny say as Yuta brushed Jungwoo’s sweaty hair out of his face. 

Jungwoo inhaled deeply and then winced immediately, hand flying to his chest. Both Yuta and Johnny looked worried.

“Jungwoo does it hurt to breathe?” Yuta asked.

Jungwoo shook his head, but it was clear that he was lying.

Johnny sighed. “Jungwoo, you have to tell us next time before it gets this bad, okay?

“Okay,” Jungwoo said, his voice sounding strained and raspy.

“Do you think you could sit up?” Taeil asked, crouching on Jungwoo’s other side.

Jungwoo nodded and the three of them helped him into a sitting position, propping him up against the wall. Some of the color was coming back to Jungwoo’s face, but he still looked really out of it.

Watching Jungwoo struggle was making Jaehyun’s own chest ache in sympathy and the urge to cough overcame him suddenly. Jaehyun all but sprinted out of the practice room, heading to the bathroom before he coughed up a petal in front of everyone.

Jaehyun barely made it into a bathroom stall before coughs were forcing their way out of his chest. He leaned over and clutched onto the white porcelain of the toilet as hard as possible. A slimy petal made its way out of his throat and into the toilet bowl, but still Jaehyun kept coughing. 

As he coughed he could feel the petals in his chest, feel the wrongness that came with flowers growing in his lungs. Jaehyun continued to cough and he felt another petal dislodge itself from the flowers in his lungs before falling into the toilet bowl. 

Jaehyun still continued to cough. Apparently his lungs weren’t done yet. 

Several minutes and two more petals later, Jaehyun’s coughs finally ceased. He slumped over the toilet bowl, utterly exhausted. His throat felt like he had just gargled nails and his lungs felt raw and painful with every heaving breath he took. 

The four pink petals floated innocently in the toilet, the water tinted pink with the blood Jaehyun had coughed up along with them. Half delirious, Jaehyun wondered how something so pretty could hurt so much. 

When Jaehyun returned to the practice room, Jungwoo was still sitting propped up against the wall, slowly sipping at a Gatorade, Taeyong sitting next to him. 

“Hey Jaehyun,” Doyoung said, “We’re going to be doing a few more dances as a group, and then we’ll split off into more individual practice because both Jungwoo and Taeyong are going to be sitting out for the rest of the day.”

“The rest of the day? But I’ll be fine in like 5 minutes,” Jungwoo protested. “The dance practice for ‘Work it’ is in like an hour, I should at least be able to dance for that.”

“No, no you’re not,” Johnny said. “I’m not peeling you off the floor another time today.”

Jungwoo pouted. “I promise I’m okay.”

Jungwoo started to get up, but the minute his two feet were underneath him, he started to sway and Johnny grabbed his arm to help him sit back down.

“Jungwoo, if you don’t sit here and rest, then I’m telling the manager you need to go to the doctor.”

Jungwoo sighed and slumped against the wall. “Fine.”

Taeyong opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but Doyoung glared at him. “You’re not getting out of going to the doctor. Your back has been hurting for too long.”

Both Taeyong and Jungwoo ended up going back to the dorm early under strict orders to rest.

For once, the two of them appeared to listen because when Jaehyun returned back to the dorm with the rest of 127, they found Jungwoo and Taeyong curled up on the couch together, asleep. 

“They look so peaceful, I almost don’t want to wake them up,” Yuta sighed.

“Yeah, but I doubt that they’ll appreciate waking up with sore necks,” Doyoung said. 

“I’ll wake up Jungwoo and you can carry Taeyong to his bed?” Jaehyun asked Johnny. 

He didn’t want to wake up Taeyong unless it was absolutely necessary. Their leader never seemed to sleep, always staying up late composing, writing lyrics, or perfecting his dance.

Johnny nodded and Jaehyun gently shook Jungwoo awake. “Hey buddy, let’s get you upstairs to your bed, yeah?”

Jungwoo grumbled and held out his arms, indicating that he wanted Jaehyun to cuddle. Jungwoo always wanted to cuddle when he was tired, which was probably how he ended up on the couch, intertwined with Taeyong. But unfortunately, Jaehyun’s goal was to get Jungwoo off of the couch, not join the cuddle pile. 

Jaehyun grabbed Jungwoo’s outstretched arms and pulled him off of the couch. Once he was off of the couch, Jungwoo refused to stand on his own and slumped into Jaehyun’s side, almost dragging them both to the ground.

“Good luck with that,” Johnny laughed as he easily scooped the sleeping Taeyong off of the couch.

“Thanks,” Jaehyun muttered as Mark stepped in to help.

“Jungwoo my dude, you have to stand up so you can go upstairs to your bed.”

“Hmm,” Jungwoo grumbled. “I want cuddles.”

“As soon as we get upstairs, c’mon.” 

Mark draped Jungwoo’s arm over his shoulder and Jungwoo snuggled into his neck. Jaehyun felt as if he should do something, separate Jungwoo from Mark, but he just stood there and watched as Mark led Jungwoo upstairs.

Jungwoo was 100% going to regret this in the morning, or maybe halfway through the night if he woke up coughing, but Jaehyun hoped that their break would be long enough that Jungwoo would be okay for just a little bit longer. Jaehyun knew that Jungwoo was going to do everything in his power to make it through their online concert. 


	4. Chapter 4

Their couple of days off did help to ease the flowers in Jaehyun’s lungs as Jungwoo was with his family the entire time. When Jungwoo returned, he had a huge smile on his face and talked about being able to celebrate Christmas with his family and the presents he had given and received. 

In fact all of NCT seemed happier, more energetic. It was amazing what a couple days off during the holidays could do. 

Jaehyun looked into the mirror and saw Jungwoo clinging onto Mark, apparently doing his best to jokingly annoy the younger. Jungwoo had his arms wrapped around Mark’s neck while Mark tried his best to shoe Jungwoo off, both of them laughing the whole time. 

Jaehyun was happy that Jungwoo was happy, but part of him wanted to separate Jungwoo from Mark, keep the two of them apart for as long as possible. Sure, it was kind of hypocritical of Jaehyun since he spent every night with Jungwoo and suffered because of it, but Jaehyun wanted to be with Jungwoo as much as possible before he was gone. 

That night, Jaehyun laid next to Jungwoo on his bed, a trash can nearby in case Jungwoo had to cough up petals in the middle of their conversation.

“How was your break?” Jaehyun asked.

“It was pretty good, but honestly the Hanahaki didn’t improve as much as I thought it would. I still coughed up petals and stuff, but I mean my chest didn’t hurt as bad and practice today went better than usual.”

“You clung to Mark all day.” Jaehyun deadpanned, the disapproval clear in his voice.

“I’ve been ignoring him so much these past weeks, I felt bad. Plus, practice was going so well I figured I could risk it.”

“The concert is in two days.”

“Jaehyun, I can easily last until then, believe me, it’s my body. I can tell when I’m at my breaking point.”

Jaehyun sighed. “I know, I just hate to see you like this. It hurts to watch you cough up petals, to be the only one who knows that you’re dying. The flowers in your lungs grow a little more everyday and I can see how it hurts you, see the pain in your eyes. You power through it, but I know that it hurts you.”

Jungwoo reached over and wrapped his arms around Jaehyun. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, “I’m sorry to put this burden on you, that you have to see me at my worst when I’m choking on petals, coughing up blood.”

“No, no, please don’t be sorry. I’m glad I know, happy that I can be here for you when you’re struggling. Even if I just found out on accident, I’m glad that I can be here to support you.”

Jungwoo started to cry even harder. “Jung Jaehyun, why do you have to be so perfect? Why did I fall in love with Mark instead of you?”

Those words felt like they were craving Jaehyun’s chest in half. If only Jungwoo had fallen in love with him instead, then they both wouldn’t be suffering, wouldn’t be dying, choking on the flowers blooming in their lungs. Why did the world have to be so unfair?

Jaehyun didn’t say anything. Instead he pulled Jungwoo closer into his arms and cried quietly into his friend’s shoulder as Jungwoo sobbed into Jaehyun’s. 

When Jaehyun woke up in the middle of the night to cough up three petals into the toilet feeling as if his lungs were being ripped out of his body; he regretted nothing. Every moment spent with Jungwoo was worth the pain that it brought.

The next morning was chaos. There was no other word to describe it. SM had finally figured out who they were going to have sub in for Taeyong which meant that practices were going to have to be extended so that everyone who was subbing could learn the new parts that they had to cover. 

Basically, it was hell. 

Halfway through the day, Jaehyun started to feel the tell-tale ache in his chest and he quickly excused himself to run to the bathroom to cough up several petals. His chest felt like it was cleaving in half as he coughed and every inhale felt as if sandpaper was scraping down his throat. 

After Jaehyun had coughed up four petals, he slumped against the toilet, relishing the feeling of the cool porcelain against his flushed face. Every attack was starting to hurt more and more and spending last night curled up with Jungwoo definitely didn’t help. Even though it made breathing harder, Jaehyun didn’t regret spending as much time as possible with Jungwoo. Jaehyun was determined to be there for his friend even if it killed him. 

The rest of the ‘Make a Wish’ practice hurt. Every inhale felt as if it was going to be Jaehyun’s last. Jaehyun had no clue that breathing could hurt this much. But Jaehyun continued on, refused to ask for a break, the thought that Jungwoo was in a different practice room struggling more than he was, kept Jaehyun going. If Jungwoo could do it, so could he. 

After what felt like forever, they finally got a 20 minute break as they transitioned from ‘Make a Wish’ to practicing for ‘Kick It’. The rest of 127 filtered into the practice room, but Jaehyun was too tired to properly pay attention to his surroundings. More than anything else, he was focusing on getting air into his flower filled lungs. 

“Is Jungwoo okay?”

Jaehyun startled at the sudden voice above him and looked up to see Yuta standing in front of him.

“Uh, as far as I know he’s fine, why are you asking?”

“He was coughing a lot during practice and left more than usual for the bathroom. Is he sick or something?”

Jaehyun shrugged in response. “How would I know?”

“He’s your roommate and you two have been spending more time together than usual. Whenever Jungwoo suddenly leaves the room, you always follow after him. Not to mention the fact that Jungwoo almost passed out during practice a couple of days ago.”

Jaehyun shrugged again, starting to feel defensive. He had promised Jungwoo that he wouldn't tell his secret. “I don’t know what to tell you. Quite honestly Jungwoo tells me very little about what he’s feeling.”

Yuta sighed and sat down next to Jaehyun. “I’m sorry if I came off too strong, I’m just worried about him. With Taeyong out I guess I’m just more on edge than usual.”

“It’s okay man, we’re all on edge right now. We just want the concert to go as well as possible.”

“Yeah concerts are always stressful. But we’ll do great like always, right?”

“Right,” Jaehyun echoed, putting an enthusiasm into his voice that he didn’t have. To be honest, the concert tomorrow made him nervous. Would he be able to sing and dance okay? Would he be able to breathe? Was he going to do a good job covering for Taeyong? Was Jungwoo going to be okay? 

There were just too many variables, so many things that could go wrong. The concert could either go really well or be a total disaster and Jaehyun wasn’t sure which way it was going to swing. He supposed that it was in the hands of fate now. 

\------------------------------------

“Yuta was worried about you today,” Jaehyun said. He and Jungwoo were in their room, laying on their respective beds. Jungwoo was scrolling through his phone while Jaehyun was just staring up at the ceiling.

“Hmm, what did he say?” Jungwoo asked, not looking up from his phone.

“He just asked if you were okay, he was worried about your coughing during your ‘Work It’ dance practice.”

“Ah, okay.”

Jaehyun furrowed his brow. “You don’t seem too concerned that people are starting to notice.”

Jungwoo shrugged and finally looked up from his phone. “People have been noticing that something is up. Plus, I don’t have very long left, the gig is almost up.”

“You’re so nonchalant about your death,” Jaehyun remarked. 

“I’ve had over a month to come to terms with it. I’m going to die. Everyone will move on eventually. There’s nothing that I can do about it.”

Jaehyun wasn’t exactly surprised by Jungwoo’s attitude; he supposed that he was the same way. It’s not like Jaehyun had told anyone about his own Hanaki Disease or was particularly concerned about it. But then again, he figured that Jungwoo was going to die before him and once Jungwoo died Jaehyun’s Hanahaki would fade.

“I guess that makes sense,” Jaehyun said. 

Suddenly, Jaehyun felt the tell-tale tickle in his throat. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

Jaehyun practically sprinted down the hall into the thankfully empty bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet before he was coughing up petals, his lungs feeling as if they were burning. Three petals spewed out of Jaehyun’s mouth, but more kept coming. Jaehyun just kept coughing, trying to gasp for breath in between his coughs, but he just couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. 

When Jaehyun’s coughs finally ceased, he collapsed onto the floor, gasping for air. His whole body ached and his hands felt numb. 

As he laid on the floor, the cool tile pressed to his face, Jaehyun wondered if Jungwoo’d had an attack this bad. Jaehyun supposed he had, Jungwoo’d had Hanahaki much longer than him. 

But that attack had been bad, really bad. What if that happened during the concert? What if Jaehyun had an attack and stopped breathing all together? What if that happened to Jungwoo?

Speaking of Jungwoo, Jaehyun needed to get back to him before he thought something was wrong. 

Jaehyun grabbed onto the counter and hauled himself up onto shaky legs. He gazed into the mirror and was met with his pale face staring back at him. He looked awful. 

Jaehyun twisted the silver knob to turn onto the sn and splashed some cold water onto his face hoping that would help his complexion. It honestly didn’t do much, but maybe Jungwoo wouldn’t notice. 

Jaehyun flushed the toilet, watching the petals swirl in the bowl before being suckeed down into the depths of the Seoul sewer system. Flushing petals down the toilet probably wasn’t great for the toilet and the pipes, but Jaehyun couldn't think of another way to make sure someone wouldn’t accidentally see the petals. 

Jaehyun opened the bathroom door to see Taeil waiting outside. 

“Sorry if I took too long.”

“Nah, you’re fine. I was just waiting to take and shower and wanted to get into the bathroom before Yuta.”

Jaehyun shot Taeil a smile, “Fair enough.” He stepped aside to let Taeil into the bathroom and headed back to his and Jungwoo’s room, his hand ghosting over the wall to help him balance himself as he walked. His legs were still shaky and he really didn’t need to fall in the hallway the day before their concert. 

The minute Jaehyun reached his and Jungwoo’s room, he collapsed onto Jungwoo’s bed.

Jungwoo immediately glued himself to Jaehyun’s side and Jaehyun felt his heart flutter at the action. Jungwoo’s arms wrapped around him, his head nestled under Jaehyun’s chin just felt so right. 

“Worried about the concert?” Jungwoo asked.

Jaehyun hummed in response, running his hand through Jungwoo’s silky hair, letting the strands card through his fingers. 

Jungwoo let out a soft sigh, “Yeah I am too,”

Jaehyun pulled Jungwoo a little closer. He knew Jungwoo had anxiety right before concerts, he always enjoyed them in the moment, but would psyche himself out beforehand to the point of nausea. 

“We’ll do great. Nctzens will love it.”

“Yeah, but what if something goes wrong? What if I mess up? What if--”

“Jungwoo,” Jaehyun interrupted, “it’ll be okay, I promise. We always do great.”

“I know, but that doesn’t stop me from being nervous.”

“Just stick with me or Yuta or Taeil or Doyoung or anyone honestly. We’ll help to calm you down. Don’t psych yourself out, you know the choreo by heart, have sung these songs a million times.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Jungwoo relaxed into Jaehyun’s side. “Thank you,”

“Of course, that’s what friends are for.”

They laid there in silence, Jaehyun gently stroking Jungwoo’s hair until Jungwoo slipped into a peaceful sleep, his eyes closed delicately. Jaehyun selfishly wished that this moment could last forever, Jungwoo in his arms and worry free. But life had to go on and Jaehyun knew that fate wasn’t on his side. 


	5. Chapter 5

The sound check went smoothly and Jaehyun was optimistic for the rest of the day. His breathing wasn't great, but at least he could still sing and dance. His members complaining about the loud breathing in their in-ears was the least of Jaehyun’s worries right now. At least they were used to it at this point. 

Jungwoo also seemed to be doing alright, but it was always hard to tell with him. Jungwoo tended to hide his pain behind jokes and a smile and the morning of the concert was no different: Jungwoo was running around and cracking jokes with members as if he didn’t have a care in the world. 

It was truly admirable, Jaehyun couldn’t imagine how Jungwoo felt if he was struggling to breathe this much. 

Jaehyun didn’t have too much time to worry about Jungwoo because pretty soon soundchecks were over and he found himself backstage having his makeup and hair done. Jaehyun wasn’t quite sure where Jungwoo had gone: they were all split up into different rooms and for the life of him Jaehyun couldn't remember which one Jungwoo had been assigned to. 

At least Jaehyun was in the first group to have his hair and makeup down so he’d have plenty of time afterwards to roam around and find Jungwoo. 

Not only that, but Jaehyun was going to have to scope out bathrooms. There was no way he was going to last a full day without coughing up petals. Jaehyun could still feel the slight ache in his throat from his attack last night. 

When Jaehyun was done with his hair and makeup he thanked the stylist before heading out of the room on his quest to find Jungwoo.

The first room he walked into housed Jisung being surrounded by Donghyuck, Doyoung, Kun, and Renjun. Jisung looked up when Jaehyun entered and mouthed a desperate ‘help me’. Jaehyun just gave him a thumbs up and walked back into the hallway. 

Whichever manager had decided on that combination for the rooms clearly had wanted a good laugh. It was either that or they had just taken it upon themselves to annoy Jisung as much as possible. Both situations were likely, but Jaehyun was willing to bet that Donghyuck had sought Jisung out for the sole purpose of annoying him.

As Jaehyun approached the next room, he could hear Ten talking loudly. Jaehyun peaked his head around the corner and saw Ten standing in the middle of the room and gesturing enthusiastically to Johnny who was getting his hair done and nodding periodically. Other than them, the room was empty. Somewhere along the line Jaehyun was probably going to find a room overflowing with members.

Jaehyun walked to the next room and realized where everyone had fled to. There were people sprawled out all over: on the couch, in chairs, on the floor. 

Jaehyun stood in the doorway and looked around, not wanting to venture further into the room and risk stepping on someone who was sleeping. 

“Jaehyun! Want to join the party?” Lucas boomed from where he was sitting on the floor.

At least three people shushed him in response. 

“People are trying to sleep,” Xiaojun hissed, throwing a slipper at Lucas’s head. “If you want to be loud go back to Ten and Johnny.” 

Lucas looked at least a little ashamed.

“What brings you here?” 

Jaehyun looked down to see Sungchan leaning against the doorway.

“Uh, I was looking for Jungwoo.”

“Well look no further.” Sungchan pointed to the base of the couch where two figures were laying, cuddling together. 

Jaehyun took two tentative steps into the room to get a better look at the two people Sungchan had pointed at. 

“It’s Mark that he’s cuddling with,” Sungchan supplied. “They were like that when I came in. Jungwoo was supposed to get his makeup done next, but Yuta volunteered because no one wants to wake them up.”

“Ah,” Jaehyun sat down next to Sungchan. Jungwoo was no doubt going to regret that later, but Jaehyun supposed that he had nothing to lose. It was the day of the concert. Jungwoo had made it to his goal, he was ready to succumb to Hanahaki. 

But maybe Jaehyun wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Jungwoo. Maybe Jaehyun selfishly wanted Jungwoo to live for longer. There were so many things the two of them hadn’t gotten to do together.

Jaehyun wanted nothing more than to walk over there and rip Jungwoo and Mark apart, but he wasn’t that cruel. He knew what it was like to cuddle with the one that you loved. It made the pain go away even if it was just for it to return full force later. 

Jaehyun couldn’t fault Jungwoo for cuddling with Mark when he had fallen asleep in the same bed as Jungwoo last night. 

Jaehyun sighed and let his eyes drift closed. He might as well get some sleep before he performed and this was the quietest room despite the fact that it held the most members. 

Jaehyun felt hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake. He blinked groggily and looked up to see Taeil standing above him. “You gotta wake up now, the concert starts in 20 minutes.”

“Mmm,” Jaehyun groaned, rubbing his eyes.

“If you don’t wake up Ten and the Dreamies have permission to wake everyone in this room up however they see fit.”

Suddenly Jaehyun clambering to his feet, joined by everyone else around him who had heard Taeil’s words. Jaehyun didn’t want a couple more minutes of sleep that badly. 

“Great,” Taeil clapped his hands. “We just have a couple of pre-concert warm-ups to do and then we’re on.” 

Their warm-ups passed in a blur as Jaehyun focused on his breathing. He wasn’t one to get nervous before concerts, but today he felt as if there were butterflies in his stomach, ants crawling beneath his skin. 

There was so much that could go wrong, so many people that were subbing in, doing parts that they had never done before, outfits changes that had to be done in a matter of minutes, 22 people to coordinate backstage. 

Jaehyun jumped up and down, shaking his hands, hoping to get some of his nervous energy out.

“You’ll do great like always.” 

Jaehyun turned around to see Sicheng standing behind him.

“I mean it Jaehyun. You’re a great performer.”

“Thanks,” Jaehyun put his hand on Sicheng’s shoulder. “You’ll do great too.”

“Thanks,” Sicheng smiled softly. “Now go, you’re up first.”

The first song went by smoothly and Jaehyun was optimistic for the rest of the night, but he quickly realized that he had spoken too soon. By the end of the third song that Jaehyun performed, his lungs were starting to ache and he was pretty sure that he could taste blood in his mouth. 

However, there wasn’t enough time in between songs for Jaehyun to take a quick trip to the bathroom, so he did his best to choke down the petals he could feel trying to force their way out of his lungs. 

Jaehyun forced a smile on his face when Doyoung mouthed ‘are you okay?’ after they performed “Without You”. Jaehyun was going to make it through this concert with no mistakes. 

But every song that Jaehyun performed kept getting harder. It took everything he had to force his limbs to move like they should, to make his voice clear.

Jaehyun’s throat hurt and his lung’s ached. He had no doubt that everyone could hear him gasping for air. Honestly, at this point Jaehyun wasn't sure how his feet were still solidly underneath him. His hands were tingling, his legs felt strangely heavy. 

It was going to be okay though, Jaehyun got a short break and then they were performing “Resonance”, their last song of the night. Jaehyun could make it through one last song. He had to. 

A few minutes later, Jaehyun was heading onto the stage with the rest of NCT and he had honestly never been more scared for a performance. Jaehyun had never doubted his ability to make it all the way through a song like he was right now. 

The music started and the lights shone bright in their eyes and Jaehyun let his muscle memory take over, sincerely hoping that his body could hold out for just one more song. 

Before Jaehyun knew it, the last chord of the song was sounding out through the strangely empty stadium and he found himself practically sprinting backstage before collapsing into a corner, trying to get air into his lungs.

Everything hurt. Jaehyun never knew that so many parts of his body could hurt at once. His heart was pounding in his chest, every breath felt like sandpaper scraping against his lungs, his limbs ached to the point that they were hard to move. Jaehyun wasn’t quite sure he’d be able to stand. He needed to cough so badly, but then there was a pair of hands grasping his arm and hauling him to his feet. 

“C’mon Jaehyun, you got this. You have to get hanged for the live after the concert,” Johnny said as he led Jaehyun to the changing rooms.

Jaehyun wondered who had come up with the idea of a live directly after the concert. It really was a stupid idea. Everyone was absolutely exhausted and they were expected to get changed quickly and smile for the fans? Jaehyun wasn’t sure it was possible. 

Johnny sat Jaehyun down in the changing room. “I’m going to grab our sweatshirts, okay? You just sit here, I’ll be right back.” And with that Johnny was disappearing out the door. 

Jaehyun focused as much as he could on breathing. It was kind of hard to do breathing exercises when his lungs felt as if they were being ripped out of his chest. 

“This concert was rough on both you and Jungwoo, huh?”

Jaehyun glanced up through his half-closed eyelids to see Yuta standing before him, already changed into a black sweatshirt.

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun asked. In his own misery Jaehyun had completely forgotten to check up on Jungwoo and make sure he was doing alright. Jaehyun couldn’t believe that he had failed his roommate in that way.

“Don’t look like that, focus on yourself. Taeil and Lucas are with Jungwoo right now, he’ll be fine. He’s just really out of breath and pale like you are. Did both of you catch a bug or something?”

“Probably,” Jaehyun responded. His breathing was finally starting to return to a normal level, but his whole body still hurt.

“Okay well take it easy. We just have the live and then we can go home, okay?”

“Yeah, we’re almost done.”

Just then Johnny returned with two black sweatshirts in his hand. “Can you get changed on your own?”

“Of course,” Jaehyun said, taking the sweatshirt Johnny held out to him. “I’m just tired, not completely out of it.”

Both Johnny and Yuta look skeptical at Jaehyun’s words, but didn’t say anything as Jaehyun pulled the sweatshirt over his head. “Okay, I’m ready to go.”

Standing up was harder than Jaehyun expected, but he tried not to show his pain on his face. He could make it through a couple minute live, he’d be okay. 

When Jaehyun got onto the stage, the rest of 127 was already there. Jungwoo was standing off to the side, chatting with Mark, but Jaehyun could see the slump of his shoulders, the paleness of his face. Jungwoo was struggling just as bad as Jaehyun was, but he was trying to hide it. 

Jaehyun watched as Jungwoo hid a wince with a smile and joked around as if he wasn’t on the brink of collapse. 

It was honestly quite the convincing performance, but Jaehyun could see through it. He knew all of Jungwoo’s tells, noticed what the others couldn’t. Jungwoo’s smiles were fake, his jokes forced. But there was nothing that could be done, they just had to endure, make it through the live. 

Thinking about Jungwoo made Jaehyun’s lungs hurt even more and the desire to cough almost overcame him. 

Jaehyun smiled and waved goodbye to the camera with the rest of NCT, but the minute the concert was over he sprinted to the bathroom, hoping to make it there before he spewed up petals in front of everyone. 

Jaehyun barely made it through the bathroom door before he was coughing up petals. This time felt different though, his whole body shook with the force of his coughs and he couldn't get in air in between the spasms. Jaehyun collapsed onto a toilet and continued to violently cough up petals.

Jaehyun was so busy coughing and trying to breathe that he didn’t notice the sound on the bathroom door opening. 

“Jaehyun? Are you in here? I don’t feel so great.” 

“Jungwoo?” Jaehyun gasped out. He heard the sound of hacking coughs, the sound of them hurting his ears. Jungwoo really didn’t sound good. 

Then there was the noise of a body thumping to the ground. Jaehyun didn’t think that he'd ever moved so fast. 

When Jaehyun made it out of the stall he was met with the sight of Jungwoo on the floor, curled up into himself as he coughed. Jaehyun wished so desperately that there was something that he could do, but Jaehyun himself couldn’t even stand up and his coughing was becoming more and more violent. 

Jaehyun collapsed next to Jungwoo as a petal forced its way out of his lungs and onto the floor. Jungwoo looked at Jaehyun in horror.

“Jaehyun no,” Jungwoo coughed, “Who is it?”

Jaehyun didn’t respond, his silence damning. 

Realization flashed over Jungwoo’s face. Even when he was in pain, Jungwoo was as perceptive as ever. 

“It’s me, isn’t it?” Jungwoo gasped out. 

Jaehyun numbly realized that these were some of their last breaths. Him and Jungwoo probably weren’t going to survive the night. 

Tears started to stream down Jungwoo’s face. “I’m...so...stupid,” He paused to gasp for breath and another petal forced its way out of his body. Jungwoo laughed bitterly.

“Ironic. Dying together of the same disease.”

Jaehyun looked at Jungwoo’s face, his lips were tinted blue from lack of oxygen. Jungwoo was really going to use his last breaths talking to Jaehyun, wasn’t he? 

“Shoulda...told...me.”

Even as he was coughing up a mixture of blood and petals, Jungwoo was still beautiful. A tear ran down Jaehyun’s cheek. The only thing he regretted was that he didn't spend more time with Jungwoo. 

“Jaehyun...I...love...you.”

Jaehyun paused at Jungwoo’s words. Did he mean it? Was it even enough?

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Jungwoo sobbed, collapsing into Jaehyun’s arms. Jaehyun’s whole world felt as if it was tearing itself apart. He couldn’t feel his body. The only thing he was aware of was the touch of Jungwoo’s skin against his own. 

“I love you too,” Jaehyun muttered into Jungwoo’s hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would just like to say that i timed this so the last chapter would be posted on my birthday, so you can't be too mad at me for the ending lol, but please still feel free yell at me in the comments

**Author's Note:**

> Updates should be twice a week and regular because for once I finished a fic before posting it!
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/6_intricate)   
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/6_intricate)


End file.
